Immediate Suspension of Birthday Weekends

Following an emergency meeting of the National Wallet Protection Council, the Stingy Men's Association hereby announces that girlfriends, wives, and fiancées are NOT permitted to have a birthday weekend.

A birthday is one day. Twenty-four hours. Midnight to midnight. It is not a festival, a tour, a residency, or a four-day economic summit.

Situationships and side chicks are expressly EXEMPT. They may celebrate for as long as they wish, because Association members are forbidden from financing birthday weekends for any relationship that cannot survive the question, “So what are we?”. Their festivities must be self-funded or sponsored by whoever officially claimed them.

This temporary austerity measure is necessary because:

• oil prices remain factually and emotionally expensive;
• the price of eggs now requires a payment plan;
• restaurants now charge steak money for ordinary chicken;
• one cocktail costs the same as a small household appliance;
• hotel check-in is at 3 p.m., yet somehow we are charged for the whole day;
• balloons, brunch, matching outfits, and surprise photographers are not essential services.

Approved celebrations are limited to one cake, one meal, one sincere paragraph, and a maximum of three photographs. Birthday trips must remain within reasonable walking distance of home. Any request beginning with “Since it's my birthday month…” is hereby declared financially inadmissible.

Exemptions may be considered only where the applicant provides fuel vouchers, a tray of eggs, and two independent witnesses confirming that she truly wants “nothing big.”

This directive remains in force until inflation apologizes, grocery prices regain manners, and men can open banking apps without taking a deep breath.

Issued in the interest of national savings and domestic peace.